LOVING THE UNLOVABLE:

We use relationships with others to fill in the gaps that exist in us when we are not in right relationship with ourselves. It is hard to tolerate the behaviors and traits of someone else when we cannot tolerate those very same behaviors and traits we secretly hold and hide from ourself. So much of what determines whether a relationship aligns or collides has to do with our disowned parts — our shadows.

Psychologist Carl Rogers believed, The more I am open to the realities in me and in the other person, the less do I find myself wishing to rush in and fix things. Trying to fix or edit myself or others is a sure way to collide in relationships. Rogers also said, We grow and heal most when we show up as our genuine selves in relationship, and when others do the same with us.

How can we be our genuine selves if we are hiding so much of who we are? How can we build trusting relationships if we keep so many secrets?

Make a courageous list of things you tend to hide from others. Dive deep here. Claim some secrets that might even make you nauseous to say aloud, or that you might vehemently deny if called out on it.

If you are a heart type, these might be the things you are most ashamed of.
Example: I hide the fact that I don’t feel like I am enough. Or that I am afraid of being found out.

If you are a head type, these might be your biggest fears.
Example: I hide that I am afraid that I don’t know enough. Or that I am afraid I’ll make a wrong choice.

If you are a body type, these might be around what makes you feel most vulnerable.
Example: I hide that I don’t feel as powerful as I appear to be. Or that I actually need others more than I let on.

I have been taught that in some indigenous cultures they speak of four kinds of mirrors: the clear mirror, the dirty mirror, the invisible mirror and the neutral mirror.

The clear mirror is when the person we are relating to resonates with us and we with them because we see qualities we mutually admire. In the book, Balancing Heaven and Earth by Jungian analyst Robert A. Johnson, he shares his version of this. He illuminates about how when we first fall in love, we give our gold away to our new lover. This is a satisfying kind of projection. Then as time goes on, we begin to take our gold back, and we start to see the whole person in front of us, including characteristics we’d been oblivious to or unconsciously denying in this idealized lover or friend. Can we stay loving this person when the mirror becomes dirty? That is the test.

The dirty mirror is when we see all the things about a person that we just don’t like. These are traits that we judge because we have learned to disown them in ourselves. We have decided, That’s bad stuff and I am not that! When we can acknowledge the dirty mirror and our fears and criticism of what is reflected there, we have an opportunity to mine the dirty gold, polish it up a bit to see it more clearly, and hopefully reclaim it in ourself. Or we can decide to stick with our disdain, and most probably, the relationship will dissolve. And we also, won’t grow.

The invisible mirror is when there is a person we just ignore or pay no attention to because they are triggering something unconscious in us. The invisible mirror is a form of avoidance and deception.

The neutral mirror is just plain neutral.

Make a list with four columns that represent the four kinds of mirrors. Put individuals you’ve encountered who fit into these different categories. You can even add groups as you move from micro to macro mirrors. Attribute reasons for them being either clear, dirty, invisible or neutral. We will be building on this activity as we dive into the Enneagram and our shadows in chapters to come.

Then explore how you become a certain kind of mirror to others through the way you perceive them and through how you treat them.

Christina Rosetti was a British poet in the 1800’s. That baby, so sweet and full of pure potential, appears to want but one thing, according to the poet, to be cuddled and loved. Perhaps the parent might want the exact same thing from the baby, to feel cuddled and loved right back.

What does a parent want from their baby?

Having children is a complex matter, fraught with layers of agreements, hopes and challenges, joy, and even resentments. Whenever I ask a parent why they had children, or wanted to have them, the answers have been fascinating and diverse. Often, they look at me nonplussed and freeze for a minute. Some twinkle with desire as if this is part of the dream of their life. Some say they had never thought about it in the why sense; it was on their Life to do list. Some are peaceful with their answers, while others seem ashamed. The truth is that all of them do want something from their children. When we do something consciously, there is always a want. No way around that. Even when it’s a surprise pregnancy and the decision is made to keep the baby, the parent-to-be’s resolve comes from some motivation, and that is to want something, whether they are conscious of this or not.

In the growth work I do, I often ask a client, why do you think your parents had you or your siblings? What have your parents told you about their decision? Have you ever talked about it with them?

Write about or draw what surfaces for you as you remember what was operating in the world of expectations when you were born and joined the family.

When answering the question, what did your parents expect you to be? I’ve heard clients say, Oh, they just wanted me to be happy. Well, what did it mean if that child wasn’t happy and didn’t grow up to be happy? Or, My parents just wanted me to have a successful career, a nice home, meet a good partner and have a wonderful family. Wow. A lot to live up to! Lots of projections too, I’d guess. Lots of vicarious desires needing to be attended to. One person I asked said, We just told our three kids to be happy and never do anything illegal. Ok!

In order to belong to your familial tribe, what were the expectations to be a part of the WE? This the beginning of Shadow Birthing — what is preferred and what is not tolerated.

Dive deep and make a list of the pre-requisites for fitting into your family.

We are relational beings. Even if we were to live by ourself on a desert island, like Tom Hanks’ character in the movie Cast Away, we are still wired to relate to others and our world in some way. After his plane crashes, during a horrific storm, Hank’s character, FedEx systems analyst, Chuck Noland, the only survivor, is stranded all alone on a beach where he can contact no one. Out of depression, loneliness and frustration, he gives into his longing and innate need to move beyond solitary being into relational being. He draws a face with his own blood on a volleyball he finds in a FedEx box from the crash, that had washed to the sandy shore. He names his new friend, Wilson.

In order to survive, physically and emotionally, he needs someone, in this case Wilson, to communicate with and relate to. This alter ego, this silent ball-friend helps Chuck problem-solve around staying alive, as it merely acts as his silent witness. Needless to say, it is not generally a contentious relationship. In fact, this bond of projection becomes exquisitely deep, perhaps even loving. Because of Wilson’s presence, Chuck learns better how to connect with himself, vent his feelings, and even interact more effectively with the foreign natural environment that surrounds him.

I found this poignant, as I realized that he was really just talking with himself, wasn’t he? Yet he needed a relationship made tangible and externalized. It was the obvious embodiment of projection and mirroring, like we do in our human relationships. Wilson was Chuck’s relational mirror, as Chuck projected his own qualities onto Wilson, like we do with each other. Only Wilson did not trigger Chuck like most of our relationships do, other than maybe being too quiet. Wilson, well aren’t you going to say ANYTHING? Sound familiar? Do you have any relationships like that?

Write about:

Have you ever had your own Wilson? Have you ever used an inanimate object to project onto? Or a pet?

What are some positive attributes you project onto someone you are close to? Like the clear mirror.

What are some negative attributes you project onto someone you are close to? Like the dirty mirror.